An interview from 1911, ‘Althemus the Exploding Elephant and Coxy One Ear his handler.’

Interviewer: So Coxy you have a very interesting act do you.

Coxy: Yes I do, this (pats elephant) is Althemus the Exploding Elephant.

Int: Really?

Co: Yup, he is the only exploding elephant act in the entire world.

Int: I see and does he seem to enjoy exploding?

Co: Oh yes, he’s not very popular with other elephants mind, you know with the whole exploding thing but he loves it.

Int: He loves exploding?

Co:  No, I’m just jerking your chain boss, that would be silly Althemus doesn’t explode.

Int: Oh, thank goodness.

Co: He’s a face elephant you see pure looks.

Int: So how do you do your act?

Co: Aaah, that’s a good question, this (motions towards slightly stunted elephant) is Greg, he explodes.

Int: Explodes?

Co:Yessum

Int: How?

Co: We stuff im with blonde wigs and pull his tail.

Int: That’s ridiculous, how does stuffing an elephant with wigs make him explode.

Co: Have you ever tried it?

Int: No.

Co: Well there you go, there is no scientific evidence that stuffing an elephant with blonde wigs won’t make him explode.

Int: … (agitated silence) Alright Coxy, I’ll play along, how many shows has Greg done?

Co: He doesn’t do the shows Althemus does the shows (smile and pats Althemus). Greg’s just a stunt elephant, you don’t listen to good mister.

Int: (increasingly frustrated) Let me rephrase that how many exploding shows have you done?

Co: Two.

Int: Two?

Co: Welll, one.

Int: …

Co: … none.

Int: So never. Greg has never exploded before.

Co: Of course he has he’s exploded lot’s of times, just not in public yet (runs over to Greg and comforts him by patting his trunk)

Int: (following) I think he hasn’t Mr One Ear because, let me say this gently, Greg doesn’t explode.

Co: (tries to cover Greg’s ears unsuccesful because Greg is an elephant) No, he’s just shy.

Int: Shy?

Co: Yeh shy. You know we don’t appreciate your type coming around here and saying elephants like Greg can’t explode. He can explode just as good as anyone, just cause he’s a little runty don’t give you a right to say he can’t explode.

Int: Mr One Ear.

Co: That’s Mr One Ear to you mate.

Int: Yes. That’s what I said.

Co: Oh

Int: Mr One Ear, I put it to you that Greg doesn’t explode, not because he doesn’t want to explode but because unlike most things that explode he isn’t packed with dynamite.

Co: (sobbing)No. Don’t say it.

Int: Mr One Ear, things don’t just explode because we wish them to.

Co: No. No.

Int: It is not up to me Mr One Ear, it is nature, how would the world exist if every person who inserted a blonde wig into their rectum exploded?

Co: Well…

Int: Exactly, no-one would be around, presidents would explode and leave people in charge of the country, clown acts would be a fire hazard and the wig industry would, let’s face it, go bankrupt within a week.

Co: I suppose, I mean what other use is there for a blonde wig.

Int: Exactly, Mr One Ear, Greg wants to explode, I can see it in his eyes (pats Greg’s rather offput trunk). He looks like a champion, who would explode at the drop of a hat, if only the universe would let him.

(Greg starts walking arouns with an awkward gait as if his backside has been packed with several kilograms of nordic hair, he trumpets loudly and bumps into Althemus)

Co: (wiping away tears) He really does want to explode you know mister.

Int: I think you’re right Mr One Ear, but the laws of nature and such.

Co: You’re probably right. Well at least I still have Althemus, he explodes.

Int: (frustrated sigh and annoyed tone) Mr One Ear, what did we just talk about.

Co: That elephant’s couldn’t explode.

Int: Exactly, so…WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ALTHEMUS WILL EXPLODE!!!

Co: Oh, that’s a trade secret Mister.

Int: ATRADE SECRET? You just said that Althemus doesn’t explode, he is a face elephant.

Co: Yup

Int: So why will he explode now?

(althemus shifts slightly, a click is heard in the background, followed by a massive explosion)

Int: (Cough, cough) What in god’s name just happened?

Co: Told you trade secret.

Int: By any chance would your trade secret be LAND MINES?!!!

Co: (surprised) You didn’t tell me you was in show business Mister.

Int: …

(fade out with Greg trumpeting in the background)