Marketing boffins around Australia seem to need some help with selling vaccines. Uptake is slow, hesitancy appear to be on the rise and people are cancelling their vaccination appointments. The usual tactic of yelling at people until they do what they want just doesn’t seem to be working for the media elites. It’s almost as if people don’t like being told what to do.

This humble author proposes something new, something different. Instead of hurling insults, banning dissent or removing rights from Australian citizens why don’t we actually try to incentivise people to get the vaccine?

With actual incentives.

That people want…

1. Cut funding to the ABC

It doesn’t take a great scholar to see that most people who are vaccine-hesitant are also quite annoyed with the way they’ve been portrayed by the ABC. Auntie used to be a voice of reason in this country but since they decided to close down all of their regional offices and move operations into large cities (where only a particular class of people can afford to live) they seem to have lost touch with the average Australian. If the ABC truly cares about public safety, which they constantly say they do, then they will have no problem with having their funding cut. A reduction in funding might even encourage them to allocate more of the public’s funds to actually covering the news instead of buying shit comedies about sad Millennials living in Fitzroy.

2. Kick your Premier up the arse lottery

Another easy win for the marketing department. You would struggle to find many citizens of this country who would turn down the chance to kick their Premier up the arse. Given the performance of each Premier over the last couple of years I’m betting that most vaccine-hesitant people would sprint to the clinic in their bath towels for a one in a million chance at booting their Premier’s back side.

3. Tie all politicians’ salaries to the average wage

Not only will this incentivise people to get the jab but you might incentivise politicians to develop policies that help raise the average wage. Just to make sure we do this right let’s also entirely cut political pensions for retired politicians. If they are unable to find a cushy job working for an international arms manufacturer they can always go on JobKeeper!

4. Ostracise David Koch

Does anyone in this country like David Koch? Sure, David Koch likes David Koch but I reckon his wife is sitting on the fence and it’s just downhill from there. If you want people rolling up to vaccine centres in their thousands just tell them they’ll never have to listen to this squirrely little turd, squeak a pompous uneducated fart through his angry little lips ever again.

5. Make buying a house affordable

The least likely of all of these incentives. Just thought I would put it in here as a bit of a joke.

That’s it…

If you like these suggestions share them around or just giggle and navigate away. Either way thanks for stopping by!